Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
