After last night, I could never be a politician.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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