So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
