You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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