"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
