I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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