I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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