She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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