how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
