marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
