Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my vagina is haunted
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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