I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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