Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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