I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
