Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
