did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
