I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
