Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
