"it" just moved
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
