I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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