I cut my penus on the lid.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I supernannyed him into submission
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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