the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
