I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
