i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
