I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
