after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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