half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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