I accidentally had phone sex last night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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