two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
