we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
