I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
