I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
whose parrot is this?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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