Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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