one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
