we have officially lost it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
