I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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