cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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