her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We left the knife in your bed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
