i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
