we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
