i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
