My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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