Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
