The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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