I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
