Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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