Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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