Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
