If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
