I will die if light touches me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
